Since I remember myself, I’ve always been with these wonderings and thoughts about fitting in. I was always present with my body in encounters with big groups of people, but in my mind I was constantly asking myself - Do I fit in here? Why am I so overwhelmed? Do I belong? Do I want to belong? Is this my home?
When I was young, I was this weird girl that had just a few good friends, but definitely I wasn’t one of the popular ones. I was always asking myself why I am weird. It was annoying and uncomfortable and very challenging indeed, but at the same breath, I loved being weird. I felt that being weird is in a way my home, my inspiration. But I couldn’t resist trying to always fit in, and it was always challenging.
It seems like this fitting-in thing, finding that place, the people, my tribe to belong to has become my journey, along with finding my piece of nature. It seems like wherever I go, I usually have the same old challenges and I keep asking myself “Am I wanted here?”, and usually, I realize, that it’s not about them wanting me here, it’s about me wanting to be there, it’s about me wanting them in my life, in my home. It’s about the question - is this the life I really want?
When I am overwhelmed with these thoughts, a lot of times I start a movement, I start changing my surroundings again, and I go traveling. When I travel, I get to connect more to all kinds of nature, I get exposed to more ways of living, and it inspires me a lot! It is so important for me to remember to move once in a while, because it gets me out of my comfort zone and reminds me the reasons I live for. It shows me all of these options, it gets me more human connections and it makes me feel alive. Of course it comes with this challenge - It’s almost impossible to deeply fit in when I’m moving a lot. I do have a way to quickly have a nice chat with new people, but deep inside, I don’t necessarily feel that I belong. Is it the right way? Do I run from something? Or do I just search for this right feeling of home? And would I know immediately when it would happen?
I can say for sure, that I listen to myself and to my heart carefully and that when I’m in the wrong place for me, my body almost screams to me to change, to move.
These days, my intention is to volunteer in farms, to get closer to nature, to work with my hands and the soil and to get intouch with animals, and hopefully, I’ll find this lifestyle my home and create a new one for myself later with the right people.
So nowadays, I’m fitting out. Till I would fit in.
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